I got sucked into watching a second Soft White Underbelly pimp interview and I’m feeling the pull between my shadow and my higher self. Well it feels more like my higher self is saying, “you have free will but you know I’m right.” And my ego’s saying “I’d feel so good to be given all of that attention and praise, the higher self will be there when I’m done playing around. “
This conversation, this back and forth in my head happens a lot. With lots of shit. Like eating shit, drinking alcohol, talking to people I shouldn’t be talking to, not talking to people i should, etc.
Its a issue of polarity. I see things black or white. Its hard for me to slip a little. When I try to dip my toe in, I end up doing laps in the deep end. In the end, I’m struggling to get out of the hole I’ve put myself in. This is a cycle I’ve repeated many times and I’m not sure why. Well, I think i know. I love to experience everything. Good. Bad. Painful. Pleasure. The highest vibration and the lowest one.
I started this with a question I wanted to pose but now I don’t remember it.
I guess I struggle to know if by doing something, am I just experimenting or succumbing to the pull of a lower vibration?
I guess I do know. Now that I think about it. I just tell myself that I don’t care cause I want the feelings.
Ahh that’s it. The feelings. I love feelings. All feelings. Because I’d rather not feel nothing.
And there’s the swing.
I suppressed my emotions until about my mid 20s and I had severe suicidal depression. I would do things that made me feel intensely so I could feel something.
When I pulled myself out enough to breathe, i continued with people and activities that made me feel intensely. Feelings are everything. Feelings have informed 100% of my poetry. Feelings are how I read tarot, channel, and move energy. But if I’m so caught up in my feelings, what am I actually doing?
To help people on their journey to self-realization.
Thats why I feel. That’s why I catalog a wide range of experiences and emotions and states, so that I can help the maximize amount of people possible.
People who struggle with depression and anxiety.
People who sometimes wanna give up.
People who are numb
People who don’t want to feel
People who wanna go home with the aliens
People who wanna party and forget
People who want to experience the ecstatsies of meditation
People who aren’t afraid to summon their shadow
People who try so hard to be the gods of their worlds because they don’t realize they already are
People like me
We are our own medicine and poison.
Both are excellent teachers.