This week, I took LSD and I was confronted with my scared, tired, and in pain self. That small self looks at food as comfort, as something that can fill her up so she won’t feel the pain of not being in control, not knowing what the future holds, of change.
If you’ve never taken LSD in a non-party setting, in my experience, it makes things so clear for you that you’re shocked you’ve never realized them before. Those things that we avoid, don’t talk about, acquire addictions to cope with, and that lurk in the shadows are guided into the light by the gentle hand of psychedelics.
I’ve had food issues since I was a child. I’d get up in the middle of the night, sneak to the fridge or cabinet, and eat when everyone else was sleep. Then I would hide the wrappers or attempt to make it look like I hadn’t eaten anything at all. I just didn’t realize until the last few weeks why I couldn’t stop. I didn’t understand why I struggled to fast or control my portions. That wasn’t the problem. It was a symptom.
Now that I know the root, I can focus on that. No more feeling guilty. No more shaming myself. I am not a weak person. I am a person searching for her shadows to integrate them into myself.
I released this addiction to food, coping mechanism, crutch (whatever you want to call it). I will face the discomfort and pain so that I may accept those parts of myself and learn from them. I know that I won’t change overnight. It will be a moment-by-moment process of making small changes that will lead to a magnificent result: a mentally, physically, and spiritually healthier me.