The past week has really opened my eyes to who I am on a deeper level. Last week, on 2 different occasions, I unintentionally absorbed others energy and was basically plunged into my shadow’s aspect of that which I embodied.
The first was romance, sexuality, love. This was disorienting and intense because for the past year, I was creating distance between myself and romance so I could connect more purely to my spirituality and had a romantic relationship that in some ways encouraged spirituality.
So…I was plunged into the deep end of my feelings, desires, and memories. And here’s what I learned/remembered:
○ I feel intense emotions and they want to come out but due to conditioning, I hold back. This results in feeling not fully seen or expressed.
○ I am extremely sexual and have a high libido. My fantasies often involve multiple people because of a belief that only a few men have a stamina that matches mine AND because I want to be desired by the masses. This leads into the next one…
○ I like attention and desire to be the center of attention but push that way because of conditioning that its narcissistic or selfish AND conditioning that I am not worthy of attention.
○ I like Alpha Males…I know lol. I’m not found of labels but you know exactly who I’m talking about when I say that. Let’s call them instead “Aries Males”. They are men or women who are strong in body and mind, athletic usually, assertive, direct, independent, likes to be the leader, primal or animalistic in some way, and sometimes funny. Due to society’s shift towards femininity, masculinity has gotten a bad wrap. Masculinity isn’t inherently bad or cruel. Conscious and loving masculinity can show up in a strong body and mind too. I’ve felt that I couldn’t really express my desire for these types of people because of the negative connotation and not understanding why I liked them.
○ I like talking about sex…a lot. If you’re familiar with my writing, most of its erotic. I’d also like to talk about it more socially with friends and online.. I’ve been limiting myself in how much of it I share publicly out of fear of being called a whore or not respected.
○ I like moving my body in a sexual way. That’s why I love burlesque and pole because it gives me another outlet for expressing that energy inside of me in a refined and artistic way.
○ I desire touch so intensely! I want to touch and be touched. Not always sexually but in a loving, compassionate, intimate way, like touching your shoulder as we talk, or receiving a foot massage if we’re just hanging out. I’ve struggled with this because I’ve experienced unwanted touch and didn’t feel in control of my body and so avoided it completely.
○ I like to dress sensually. This is partly to reflect how I feel inside and partly because my body shape looks best in clothes that show my figure. I avoid doing this for fear it may be inappropriate for the setting or may make others disrespect me.
○ I love taking sensual and sexual photos of me and others and I want to share that with everyone. Why don’t I? Fear of judgment! See the trend?
○ I consider myself sexually experienced. I have experience with bdsm, poly, and just regular ol’ sex and want to use my experiences to help others have amazing intimate and sexual experiences! I don’t do this now because few people know and when’s really the right time to bring up my sexual resume?!樂
⭐I am making a commitment to myself to be more fully my sexual self. I was going to say it would be a gradual process but its probably not. Once I make up my mind, there’s no questioning it.
I extend an invitation to you to engage and discuss this topic of sexuality with me and everyone. The more people normalize talking about it, the less stigma there is.
For my @fit.for.service fam, I’m working on a little book of erotic poems and photography for y’all
Just even writing this post is a huge step for me in acknowledging my truth and where my inner work lies. I deeply feel that transparency I show here and your kindness and compassion will help me heal.
If I ever post anything you have questions about feel free to message me directly if you don’t feel comfortable commenting.
I love y’all so much.