Last week, I had a Fit for Service group call. Prior to the call, I pulled out my journal and wrote,
“I’m not sure what to ask him. I don’t have any questions!”
I came to the call to listen and see what I could learn and takeaway from everyone else. As I listened to a few others, I emotions started to come up. Events and memories flickered in my head. Plans I’m making, arose. I was feeling uncomfortable and distressed in my mind and especially my body.
I didn’t have any questions. I had something to say.
And I didn’t want to say it. That’s called shame.
And I’m a shame-squasher!
So waited for an opportunity to share and began as follows,
“I realize I’ve been distracting myself from feeling emotions related to stories I have about my situation and those of my loved ones. I have an opportunity to let these rise up so I can see them more clearly and release them. A big aspect of this is shame around them and so I know I need to say them out loud so I can dispel that.
- I am living off a credit card because I ran out of savings.
- My 4 month old business isn’t getting the traction I hoped and I feel like I’m failing.
- I want to go back to school but I don’t have the capital.
- I plan to work at a strip club with my friend but feel shame for it. It doesn’t make sense because I don’t feel shame around burlesque but do for stripping.
- My loved one is struggling and just knowing that is difficult to bear.
I know that sharing my story and my healing through this period will help others and sharing with y’all is the first step.”
This moment reminded me why I have an online presence to begin with. Because honestly, I’d prefer not to. I have my Instagram account and my website because I made a promise to myself that I would be 100% transparent about my life, my journey, and my ups and especially downs. I made that promise because I struggled to speak my truth and its easier to talk about things when I’ve already written about them online. What quickly came out of that was a realization that sharing my experience heals others, gives others permission, and dispels the darkness that surrounds topics like mental health, finance, sex, and relationships.
So, again, here I am.
I have nothing to hide and everything to give.
I am my struggles and my wins and my tears and my laughter.
I’m just a human making her way.
I love you.
Asha Oya Ivy